On Finding Your True Homies
The challenges & rewards of navigating relationships with intention
A few weeks ago I turned 31! I spent my birthday in Berlin eating noodles (a Chinese tradition for longevity), viewing the MIND-BOGGLING art at the Berlin Biennale, communing with mama nature at Krumme Lake, celebrating deep big magnificent love with my partner, and feeling special thanks to birthday messages & voice notes from soul friends across the world.
The birthday afterglow lasted weeks and I thought: how lucky am I? I feel in community with my people even though I am all the way in Europe. I feel so deeply loved for who I am at my core. All the people in my life build me up, help me grow, remind me of the most playful and expansive and revolutionary version of myself!
It wasn’t always this way, which I feel is natural. When you’re younger, you become friends with people you’re in school with, people you work with, and those friends of friends—a community of proximity, rather than of intentional choice. I recently went through a shift in the people around me after stepping away from a community that I no longer felt safe in. This exit was painful, as I don’t have access to a community I dedicated 6 years of time & energy, creative brainpower, and financial resources towards. As I let this go, I mourned a core part of my life, including people that have fallen away because of it.
I’m here, on the other side, with revelations: People who are in your orbit because of what you can do for them, or what you give them access to, or how much labor you provide are not for you.
People who are in your orbit because of who you are—simply as a human bean—are! And it can be hard to identify these people, because our social interactions are deeply embedded in heteropartriarchal + white supremacist + capitalistic structures. We’re typically introduced to people through their job title, or what they have accomplished that these systems deem “successful” or “worthy.” We even define ourselves this way. What’s in your Instagram bio?
Waking up to relationships that aren’t serving you is jarring. For me, it was like I was operating in a world that I didn’t intentionally opt into, and when I finally woke up, I was horrified at the way I let people treat me. I now have a hard boundary around the type of energy I let into my life—if someone is deceptive, manipulative, intentionally malicious, or harmful without self awareness or intent of growth when called in, I do not have room for this person in my life. I wish these people healing & happiness, and at the same time, I personally don’t have to be a part of that journey.
Letting go of these relationships is equally as jarring, especially if you are a people pleaser like me. When you finally stop pleasing the people, they will get very mad. This is okay. Other people’s perceptions of you is not your responsibility. Living as your truest, most honest self is. And as you step into your full power and individual uniqueness, the people who are not for you will leave. This is literally a blessing. It may feel like a curse while the shifts are taking place, but it is actually in service of your highest calling.
The messages I got for my birthday were very special signals that I have arrived—specific reminders about the gift of my presence in this world, intentional reflections of our friendship, celebrations of who I am. All from people who are meant to be with me in this lifetime. People who love me for who I am, not what I can do for them.
Reflections that have helped me navigate relationships as an adult:
Can I be my most honest self with this person?
Do I have to mask in any way with this person?
How silly / goofy / weird / childlike can I be with this person?
Am I safe with this person?
Is this a mutually-beneficial relationship?
Do we help each other grow & evolve?
Do we mend conflict in a healthy way and come out stronger for it?
How do I feel after I leave an interaction with this person?
If you’re currently wading through the muck of figuring out who should be in your life vs. who you should kindly step away from, I’m sending you love and clarity. Saying goodbye to relationships is usually painful, but getting to a place where everyone in your orbit is a true homie that treats you with sanctity is 1000% worth it.
If you enjoy my letters, I’d love if you could share them with a friend:
always appreciate your updates, and happy belated!